We Do Have The Power To Make A Difference

Roberta M. Helming: Domestic violence must be unlearned


By ROBERTA M. HELMING
For the Norwich Bulletin
Posted Aug 23, 2010 @ 12:05 AM

A woman sits with blackened eyes, a man with scratches on his face and a child cowers in a closet in fear of being hit again. They are all victims of domestic violence.

In 2008, there were 20,000 domestic violence arrests in Connecticut, yet many experts say it has been — and continues to be — a hidden crime, a crime of near silence.
Women, and even more so men, don’t want to admit they’re a victim. And it’s often out of fear of further abuse that many victims don’t leave their situation. It can go unnoticed for decades — and worse, it teaches children that it’s OK, normal even, to hit family members, and the unthinkable behavior is passed on. Domestic abuse may be a learned behavior; it should never, however, be an excused behavior.
Often, it’s the stress of unthinkable events that can trigger an outburst that escalates into violence.
The Gulf oil spill, for example, devastated people’s lives and livelihoods. There was a noticeable increase in 911 calls for domestic abuse after the realities of the spill started to settle in. Could that have been prevented? Probably, to some degree.
Here in Connecticut, as of July 1, domestic violence laws were made stricter. Shelter hours have been extended and tougher enforcement against offenders put in place. But that doesn’t necessarily solve the problem.
A major component of domestic violence that needs to be considered is psychotherapy, and not just for the victims, but for the perpetrator as well. Until he or she discusses the anger, a perpetrator will be back in the system, having hurt another person.
Jail doesn’t work

No one is born knowing how to beat another person. It is learned behavior, and until it is unlearned, no amount of jail time or tracking devices will help that person, man or woman.
We must protect the victims, but also re-educate the abusers by giving them the tools they need to stop before raising a hand. Encourage them to pick up the phone instead and call a crisis intervention hotline to talk about what’s bothering them.

We need to teach men that they’re still men even when talking about issues of hurt. Teach them that they are more of a man for talking about what’s hurting them, than they would be by hurting someone else.
President Barack Obama, when he visited the devastated Gulf Coast, assured the people there their physical needs would be met. But what about their emotional needs? Just as we need to feed our bodies, we need to do the same with our minds.
Roberta M. Helming is a freelance writer from Ledyard and regular contributor to the Norwich Bulletin. She can be reached at RMHelming@aol.com
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